Little Sunday storytime by Fran

I wanted to breastfeed not for maternal reasons but as it was free and convenient. I had my baby boy a week early and was in established labour for only 5 and a half hours and only pushed for 15 minutes. He was put on my chest and i could not believe he was mine. But the midwife took him away from me to be weighed and measured, then again when they were delivering the placenta, then again when she was checking me over, he was born at 8.29pm and around 11pmthe midwife said to try and feed him. I was practically laying flat and when I do my nipples lay flat. I was trying to get him to latch the best I could but he couldn't do it as there was nothing for him to suckle onto. I was given 5 minutes then the midwife said I should give him some formula as they wanted to take me to the ward. I think that was the start of it all for me. I stayed in hospital so I coukd have help getting him to latch properly, we tried all the different holds and positions and he still really struggled and would just cry all night while I tried hard to breastfeed him. The first day home he cried from 7pm to 7am. I was breastfeeding feeding him continually through the night non stop. We called the hospital and the midwife said it sounds like colic just try to burp him and run his tummy. By the morning I had white ulcers on both nipples that were filling with fluid where he was not latching properly. He was exhausted by The morning and the next night he did the same I was so upset I gave myself a migraine and we called the hospital again and told us to come in. The midwife there said he's crying as he is hungry and she thought I would have had more milk by now as this was day 4 going on 5. I felt so desperately depressed that I couldn't even feed by own baby whom I loved so much and he must hate me and think I was trying to starve him. The midwife then suggested using nipple sheilds to get him to latch gave them to me and sent us on our way. These sheilds have been the reason our breastfeeding journey could continue . 3 months on we have good days and bad days.  We still feed with the sheilds but have to also supplement with formula or he will cry with hunger. I have never wanted anything in my life so much as to be able to breastfeed my baby properly but not for convenience but for the bond and happiness I feel when I nurse him. I so want to be able to exclusively breast feed him. I feel a sense of grief that I don't have this ability and it was somehow take away from me and I had little help or advice. The best advice and support I have had has been from little peach. I'm still determined not to give up and carry on trying to get him to latch properly without the sheilds. I want to breastfeed him until he is at least 2, but I do think the sheilds will have dissolved in the Milton by then.